Governor Newsom Mandates Curbside Pickup for Old Boats

After endless years of debate about the disposal of end-of-life fiberglass boats, Governor Newsom issued an executive order requiring local municipal garbage services to provide curbside pickup of discarded fiberglass boats on the third Thursday of each month. While boat owners are relieved, local garbage collectors are up in arms, suggesting the boats are too heavy to lift, and once lifted, most won’t fit in the average garbage truck. Undeterred, Newsom said he is following the act first, plan later principle, and suggested the boats don’t have to be picked up all at once but can be removed piece by piece over several months.

Waste-disposal experts also raised the issue of how to dispose of the collected derelict boats that would not biodegrade, alongside biodegradable household waste. While a complete plan has yet to be outlined, Newsom assured citizens that a beautiful plan would be forthcoming. He said he’s already entertaining proposals from private equity firms that will use the crushed fiberglass as the raw material for some really fantastic projects. He envisions the waste becoming a huge source of California exports to foreign nations hungry for US imports.

Newsom also noted that dramatically reduced environmental regulations mean that, if needed, waste can be dumped just about anywhere. His office stated, “Boats look pretty large, but they are mostly air on the inside, so when you crush them, they get pretty small; all of them could fit in a small canyon somewhere. Another thought is actually using them for the bed of the high-speed railway. It would be kind of ironic to have one of the slowest forms of transportation be the foundation of the fastest trains in the West.

“Luckily, the high-speed rail project is not finished, so we still have time and might save money,” he added.

After the news was released, another proposal landed on Newsom’s desk when a mariners group suggested using the material from crushed boats to create artificial islands in San Francisco Bay. They stated, “It’s ridiculous that the Bay Area hasn’t built one new island since Treasure Island in 1937. The recycled boats could be used to build new islands, creating numerous cruising destinations for Bay Area sailors, kayakers and all boaters looking for more places to go. Crushed boats are the ultimate Bay fill! It’s the ideal trash-to-treasure (Island) solution, where we could expand Bay access by using the fiberglass to build more launch ramps and protected areas for boating. We think this is more aligned with the BCDC’s mission of promoting Bay access rather than building bike paths and park benches.”

The group suggested that utilizing recycled sailboats to build updated ramps into the Bay would greatly expand the ability of residents to actually sail, swim or paddle. There was a strong sentiment that using old boats, which are already classified as Bay fill, is an ideal way for old boats to become a pathway for the next generation of sailors and boats to enter and enjoy the Bay.

Newsom’s office finished up by saying, “We don’t want everyone getting all introspective and thoughtful about these things. Let’s get ‘er done!”

Latitude 38, April 1