The Latitude Movie Club: Pirates of the Caribbean

A month ago, we asked what you thought about Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Here’s what you said:

“They’re best viewed through the spyglass as an ongoing salty sea yarn,” said ‘Aaron PVI’, offering some especially sage advice for the optimum viewing experience: “As with most sea yarns they’re funnier when you’re a few sheets to the wind.” Brad Smith noted that, “When the first movie came out, a critic wrote: ‘Someone is going to get fired for this. The film is good enough to be two movies.’ That pretty much sums up the first one, the others I did not really track. For me, Captain Jack personifying Keith Richards made the film.”

Wayne Cederquist reminded us of his favorite scene: “In the first movie [The Curse of the Black Pearl], when Capt’n Jack sails a slowly sinking craft to a dock, climbs upward to avoid the rising water, then steps — totally dry — onto the dock from his now fully submerged ‘submarine’ as it comes smartly alongside the pier — that’s the best scene in the movie!” Dale Land said that Pirates is a welcome distraction, in the right context. “Watching it from 36,000 feet was a great way to spend my time flying to Ireland last September — I always enjoyed Jack and his quirky quotes. The sailing is only a small part but worth seeing the scenes on the water!”

Tom Varley had our favorite analogy about the franchise: “The first one was cool; it was fresh and fun. The second Pirates movie was palatable at best. The rest of ’em? Cashing in on the general public with tickets and merchandizing; feeding the masses’ cinematic, no-nutritional-content fast-food’ from their cinematic fast-food franchise headquarters. How tiring watching Jack Sparrow, aka Keith Richards, after the second movie. I’d rather watch a Rolling Stones documentary to see the ‘real’ pirate!”

We agree with everything that was just said, all of which points to our general thesis: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl was a good movie, and everything that followed diminished in quality, fun and coherent storytelling, and repeated the same tired, monster-laden formula that was, in our sailorly opinion, the weakest part of the original plot to begin with.

Before we take out our daggers, we find ourselves needing to consider the origins of the franchise. Pirates of the Caribbean was and is, of course, a ride at Disneyland, the last attraction overseen by Walt Disney, who died three months before it opened in 1967 — the initials of Walt and Roy Disney (the father of Roy E. Disney, the sailor) are woven into the wrought iron above the antebellum New Orleans-inspired façade. If there were an Academy Award for best screenplay based on a ride, then Pirates would have been the hands-down winner and standard bearer.

And speaking of Academy Awards, let’s not forget that Johnny Depp was nominated for best actor for his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in 2003. And rightfully so. About Depp’s performance in Black Pearl, the late Roger Ebert said he seemed “to be channeling a drunken drag queen, with his eyeliner and the way he minces ashore and slurs his dialogue ever so insouciantly . . . It can be said that his performance is original in its every atom. There has never been a pirate, or for that matter a human being, like this in any other movie. He is a peacock in full display.”

In the first Pirates, Jack Sparrow swashed and buckled his way across the screen, the perfect mix of scoundrel, brilliant, cunning captain and shit-faced drunk, but remained redeemable enough to be a rogue hero. He also gets an outstanding, Hans Zimmerman-conducted theme song played at the occasion of his entrance. (And let’s not forget another star of the original Pirates, the Grays Harbor Historical Seaport ship Lady Washington, which played the role of the HMS Interceptor. It was Lady’s fourth appearance in a major motion picture.)

In the sequels, Sparrow’s imperfections began to rule him. He became a sniveling coward, a weird, detached drunkard and a “goofball screw up” who stumbled through the movie’s weak plots in search of ways to screw everyone over. There is a notable exception to Sparrow’s gallantry: At the end of Dead Man’s Chest, Sparrow bravely squares off against the horrifying Kraken, whom he’d been cowering from for the entire movie.

This was one of a handful of moments, settings, scenes, lines and jokes in the sequels that are noteworthy, but were surrounded by endless action sequences that don’t have any demonstrable impact on the plot. After 25 minutes of sword fighting with barnacle-covered monsters, everyone retreats back to their ship, then fights them all over again a little later. No one ever dies until the end of the movies — and they usually just come back in the next one. (In an episode of The Simpsons, Bart drives a combine through a pile of manure. From the back, a copy of Pirates 3 pops out).

In his critique of The Curse of the Black Pearl, Ebert sensed the juggernaut that was about to be birthed: “There’s a nice little 90-minute B movie trapped inside the 143 minutes of Pirates of the Caribbean, a movie that charms the audience and then outstays its welcome. Although the ending leaves open the possibility of a sequel, the movie feels like it already includes the sequel.” Little did Ebert know . . .

And guess what? There are rumors  of a Pirates 6. An October 2017 article in Forbes discussed the sheer economics of whether it’s cost effective to make (gulp) yet another sequel — and whether Johnny Depp is even necessary. “So, the question becomes whether or not Disney should quit while they are ahead or take a shot at another installment,” Forbes commented.

Please, just stop making Pirates movies. If you have any closing thoughts, please let us know.