AC34 News
The big news today is that AC34 will be designated a "National Special Security Event," which means that the Secret Service will take over the responsibility for the regatta’s security and the FBI will take over policing duties.
The designation is usually reseverved for events like the World Cup and Olympics. After repeatedly trotting out the assertion that the Cup ranks third behind those two events in terms of global visibility and economic impact, organizers for AC34 made a strident behind-the-scenes effort to get the designation.
"It was really important to us to get this designation," said a source inside the organization. "The reality is that you’re not ballin’ as an event without it. There was some question of whether NSSE went all the way down to third place so we’re really happy about it."
The news was greeted with a decidedly different attitude by anti-tax groups and religious conservatives. "There’s no way in hell that taxpayer dollars should be spent on providing security for these super rich guys to go play around in boats," said Richard Stiphington of the American Way Taxpayer’s League. "Given all the tax breaks we’ve doled out to the ultra-wealthy, we never thought they would try to have their cake and eat it too."
Cable news pundit, megachurch pastor and ironically named Bob A. Buoy weighed in on the debate: "Our research shows that a big part of America is in favor of wiping San Francisco off the map," Rev. Buoy said."It has been scientifically proven that only homosexuals go sailing, and that San Francisco is a den of iniquity, populated entirely by pagan, homosexual, atheist, climate change-believing, radical sodomite hippies. San Francisco will be ground zero for God’s judgement in ’12, so why should taxpayer dollars be used for event security when they can be used to build a life-sized ark in the middle of Missouri? We say, ‘let the evil-doers help us out on this one.’"
The announcement was accompanied by a new maritime security plan that shows all harbors being closed during the 43 days of racing from July through September, a move that drew strong reactions from the local boating community. "Close all the harbors?" asked local sailor Roman Tonicke. "That’s bullshit! I don’t understand why they just couldn’t set up some of those barriers with the retractable nylon webbing around the racing area."
But local maritime officials explained in the plan that the security needs of the event would far outstrip their resources. "It takes the Coast Guard 50 boats to patrol the one-mile-long by half-mile-wide safety zone during Fleet Week," the report states. "The area perimeter for the Cup will be six times as large. Due to budget cuts caused in part by declining tax revenue when Bush-era tax cuts on the wealthy were extended by President Obama, there simply will not be enough resources to patrol the perimeter effectively. As result, we’re left with no choice but to shut down all harbors completely — except, of course, for the megayachts. So don’t plan on using your boat from the middle of July to the end of Septemeber in ’13."