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*State of California to Sue Nature for Late-Season Rain

As California is in the midst of being swallowed by late-season rain, a coalition of  state lawmakers and interest groups — their drought concerns satiated, but their fears of swelling vegetation and exploding pollen counts on the rise — have decided to take legal action against the aberrant weather. “This is just not in line with our expectations of May weather in Northern California,” said one assemblyperson who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We’ve had enough rain already. We’re done. It’s over. Someone send Mother Nature the memo, or we’re sending her a subpoena.”

Among the coalition taking action against nature are a group of Bay Area windsurfers who say that, given the consistent early-season wind, they feel entitled to continued summer conditions, which certainly do not include downpours in mid-May. “If there’d been no rain on Saturday, then it probably would have been a good day for sailing,” said one windsurfer, who asked not to be identified. “I moved to the Bay Area 30 years ago because the season is so consistent. If you take that away, then you have to ask yourself, ‘What are we even doing here?'”

Other people in the coalition have complained that, given the warm spring, browning hills and other indicators that the West Coast was well on its way to summer, they had packed up their rain gear for the season and feel unprepared and undergunned for showers. Last week, we witnessed several people struggling to operate their umbrellas.

One group has indicated that it may countersue if the “Don’t Rain on My Parade” lawsuit (as it’s come to be known) moves forward. A consortium of ski-resort owners has welcomed the weather.

“This is so sick!” said one board member of a Tahoe resort — that owner clarified that by “sick,” they were not being pejorative, and in fact intended the slang for cool or hawt or fabulous, as defined by Urban Dictionary. “We are still getting totally hammered with rad pow days in spring, when we would normally just have corn or soupy slush. These storms are all-time!”

*Latitude Nation — This story has been entirely fabricated, though our occasional frustration with the rain this last week has been at least somewhat rooted in reality . . . mostly because it’s deadline time here at the magazine, and we couldn’t make it to Tahoe for the late-season pow (powder snow). 

The five-day San Rafael forecast. Just a little more rain before summer? Maybe, maybe not.
© 2019

1 Comment

  1. Roger William Briggs 4 years ago

    If I ask two friends to join in this lawsuit, and they each ask two friends, and they ask two more, etc….we could have a class action suit rolling in no time. Why, I’ve got my amicus briefs on right now, ready to litigate and agitate. Let’s all meet at Squid Row Quo and stategerize over some jello shots.

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