A Solution for the Crowded Waters of Newport Bay

Newport Beach city councilmember Marshall Duffield has a new plan to ease congestion on Newport Bay: The Ocean Loop.

The Ocean Loop is a planned system of electromagnetic rails installed on the bottom of the harbor that will allow vessels with a corresponding magnetic hull strip to travel along the rail’s predetermined route. The plan was conceived with the help of Elon Musk, and is loosely based on his Hyperloop technology. Rental boats, as well as private vessels, will be able to use the system.

Boats traveling on the loop will be able to detach from the set route at popular spots (see graphic), such as the Winery, the Cannery, the Fun Zone and rental facilities. Tourists and locals alike will be able to cruise the bay, free to drink and sightsee, unencumbered by the responsibility of driving.

The new system will run at 4 mph, slightly under the maximum 5-mph limit in the bay. A light scheme, similar to land-based traffic lights, will be installed in congested areas to avoid collisions near the Balboa ferry, the charter boat docks and the entrance to the Rhine Channel.

A source close to the entrepreneurs reports their only disappointment was eliminating plans to run the loop around the Newport entrance buoy, due to unpredictable weather outside the harbor. Inspired by the Finding Nemo submarine ride while visiting Disneyland with his grandchildren, councilmember Duffield contacted Musk and explained his plan. Musk enthusiastically embraced the challenge; shortly after their first meeting, he and Duffield got to work.

Leveraging past projects, the technology was surprisingly easy to develop. Both men tapped their extensive networks to expedite the approval process. The plan garnered the enthusiastic support of the Coastal Commission, the Army Corps of Engineers, the US Coast Guard and city planners. The Coast Guard, in particular, is excited by the idea, and is reportedly planning a feasibility study to see if other harbors can utilize the technology.

The “Fully Operating Ocean Loop,” as it has been named, will take about three years and $210 million to construct. The city will supply the rails and sell the electromagnetic strips to those who wish to take advantage of this new attraction. Costs are expected to be recouped by sales of the strips and a transponder that is similar to a FasTrak pass. Both will be available starting April 1, 2021.

Yeah . . . April Fools again! This story was also completely fabricated.